


don't say I am in love

by Hibari_chan



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy, Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Alec Ryder Bashing, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Caring Shepard (Mass Effect), Chronic Pain, Complicated Relationships, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Falling In Love, Kallo is the best step-dad ever, Love Triangles, Love at First Sight, M/M, Marriage, Memory Loss, Nihlus Kryik Lives, Nihlus Kryik Lives Bang 2019!, Nihlus in Andromeda, Running Away, Threesome - M/M/M, Underage Prostitution, Underage Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-01-24
Packaged: 2019-10-14 03:36:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17500793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hibari_chan/pseuds/Hibari_chan
Summary: Cassander Ryder knew he was different since he was eleven years old. While all his male friends from school talked about girls, he found the same sex more appealing. It was not a problem in that time and age - not really, until his father realised that his perfect boy was not the son he wished for.From the day Cassander came out to his parents, Alec had no son, only daughter.(the Ryder twin runs away to seduce turian spectre AU that nobody wanted)





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!
> 
> I just figured out that Nihlus needs more love. Like... lots of love and warm feelings. Happy ending, if you wish. 
> 
> Why not give him the ultimate happiness in Andromeda. Hm... maybe?
> 
> Also, I don't like Alec. He is my personal antagonist. 
> 
> Kudos and comments are appreciated!

_"I am so sorry," she said, looking at me with grief in her green eyes. The freckles on her skin almost mirrored my own._

_"I am so sorry," she repeated like broken tape in an old recorder._

_She was strong and powerful and a hero and she was sorry._

_I sat on the hospital chair, trembling. Nurses and doctors were in a hurry as my husband was rushed to the operation room._

_Her hands were blue with his blood._

_"There was nothing I could do. He was ahead and… I am sorry!"_

_I knew she wanted me to react. To do something. To say something._

_Reassure her that my husband's condition was not her fault at all._

_I looked her in the eyes. They were full of tears. Beautiful emerald green buried in sadness. I pitied her. I had no energy to pity myself._

_My hand reached for hers. I could feel the cold sticky blood on her fingers._

_"I am sorry!"_

 

"Cassander! Cassander, wake up!"

Strong hands shook me and with a strangled gasp I opened my eyes. Nihlus held me around my shoulders and his expression was full of worry. I could feel the hot tears running down my face.

"You were screaming," he whispered and kissed my forehead. I cried some more when I buried my face in the crook of his neck. He held me and rocked me while I sobbed. My fingers quickly found the still sore place on the back of his neck where the bullet pierced his skull.

 

_"You husbands condition is severe, mister Kryik. He pulled through the operation without a problem and his vitals are strong, but the swelling of his brain is our greatest concern."_

_Shepard tensed beside me. She looked so frail._

_She blamed herself for not protecting a turian._

_"Will he live?"_

_"If his brain will react positively on the treatment, then yes, he will."_

_"Any permanent damage?"_

_"In the best case only headaches. The worst case scenario is memory blackouts, personality changes, a problem with speaking."_

_"I see…"_

_The doctors left._

_"I am sorry," she said again._

_Shepard… you cry baby._

_I looked at her. Her freckles were so beautiful._

_"Come," I told her. "You need to wash your hands."_


	2. a turian thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The position of beta reader is open if anyone is interested.  
> Free version of Grammarly can take me only thus far... and English is not my native language. If you suffer, let me know, I will... try to... patch it. Yeah. Craziness v. 2.0. Day-one Patch. Worked well for Andromeda, no? :-D

_The filthy little room in the back of the cheap brothel was all I had. It was equipped with the necessary furniture and had a small bathroom in the back and I was so proud I could afford the soft green carpet and new curtains for my windows. I had a few good paying customers that enjoyed my body quite regularly. They always spend some of their salary on me and that was all that mattered to me at that point._

_I was resigned on life itself by the time he appeared out of nowhere._

_The first thing I noticed about him was his beautiful, unique brownish red plates. They intrigued me from the very beginning. The white color of his markings that moved with grace._

_He was a handsome devil, that turian._

_Strong and tall._

_I stood up from the bed I rested on previously and went to greet him. I was usually excited about new customers and he was no exception to the rule. I had to admit that I was curious about him since he was a total opposite from the type of customers that frequented this brothel._

_"Hello," I smirked and seductively touched his armor. He looked at my face and I wondered what he thought of me. But I was fifteen and I worked in this industry for two years already. I knew how to please even the most demanding customers, so I didn't worry about his opinion that much. My skilled tongue or my ass will make him soon forget anyway._

_"Are you Cassander?" he asked with that deep turian voice as he rated my appearance. My long ginger hair was pulled up in a messy bun and the only piece of clothing I wear were simple black pants. I was told my pale skin with freckles was very attractive and unique, so I turned it into a weapon and showed it around._

_"Mhm, are you looking for me?" I smiled and took his hand into my own. There was something sinful about this one. He looked at me as if he couldn't decide right away whether he wanted me or not, but it didn't take long for the indecisive glance to turn into a burning desire._

_"Yes," he confirmed and I rewarded him with another smile. I made sure it met my eyes and was as convincing as possible._

_"There I am then. Shall I bring you some drink?"_

_He shook his head. "No," he said and pulled me closer to him. His other hand gripped my naked hip. "I don't think so."_

_He fucked me thoroughly._

_I screamed and moaned with pleasure his strong warrior body gave me and I worked my best to give him a ride he would never forget. He filled my body many times and left a large tip just for me before he left my room._

_After that, he became a regular customer. We never bothered with personal matters and our conversations were usually short and uneventful but our bodies were well suited for each other. We instinctively knew what made the other tick and our time together was full of pleasure and fun._

_He always left me a tip big enough that I could refuse one or two customers a week, relax for a change and do something I fancied. I always loved spaceships so I bought many books about them with the money he gave me. I may have lived on Omega, but the life of a prostitute was not one that would include long and fascinating space ship rides._

_Slowly, he transformed from a stranger to a favorite customer with more allowances. There was a certain manner we approached each other that gradually developed with his every visit. He usually came silent and tense and broody as if something weighed heavy on his mind. I made him dextro coffee and offered some biscuits I baked just for him. He slowly drunk his drink and never ate more than three pieces of the sweets but I knew he liked their taste and would probably eat more if I insisted._

_He always asked me about my day and I questioned him about spaceships or his weapons. We made our small talk about things that we enjoyed and could share._

_Then we fucked, which my favorite part of our strange acquaintance. He was a great lover… I had no idea why a turian like him needed the service of a whore with his superior skills and gentle approach, but I was glad for it. I loved when his attention was on me and only on me._

_He made me forget._

_Little by little, we learned the small thing about each other. Soon I figured out he was someone important and he seemed to know more about me than he let on. I didn't mind. It made the chase even more exciting._

_So when he visited me on a Monday evening with a deep frown on his handsome face, I immediately knew something was wrong._

_"I am leaving the Omega," he said and my heart shattered into pieces. I was sixteen and our liaison lasted for almost a year now. I couldn't imagine Monday evenings without his quiet, satisfying visits anymore._

_"Why?" I whispered. He came closer to me and put his hands on my face. His forehead rested on my own and I could smell his refreshing shower gel. He always made sure to visit me after a shower and in clean armor. Those small gestures made my heart swell._

_"My mission here is over. I have to return home."_

_"Home…?" my voice came out broken._

_"The Citadel," he admitted when his arms hugged me and pulled me closer to the cold metal his armor was made of. I hugged him back with every strength I had in my slender arms. I wished to merge my skin with his beautiful plates._  
  
_"Come back with me," he said softly and I agreed._

 

  
"Mister Kryik, I am going to the grocery store. Do you need anything?"

A beautiful Salarian nurse appeared in the doors. I offered her a little smile as was appropriate for the situation and shook my head.

"Oh, no, thank you, I have everything I need. But you are very kind."

She blushed and disappeared behind the closing doors. I sighed and turned my attention back to my sleeping husband. I could feel tears burning in my sore eyes as I recalled the first year of our atypical relationship and the decision that changed my life forever. In my memories, he was so strong and fearless… now he was barely alive and pale.

A book about space ship engineering rested on my lap, opened in the middle. I reached for Nihlus's free arm and took it closer to my face. I nuzzled with his long fingers and soft palm, giving small kisses to his fingertips.

His condition was stable now. He didn't need machines anymore to breathe for him. The room was still full of small noises from the computers that monitored his life functions, but they didn't scare me anymore. I used to freak out every time some noise skipped or broke the usual rhythm and immediately called doctors to my husband's bed.

I leaned down and planted an affectionate kiss on his flat nose. "Hey, big boy," I whispered. "You need to wake up. You owe me a dinner date on a Palaven in your favorite restaurant, remember? You promised to show me around that radioactive planet of yours you Turians are so proud of. Everything is messy right now. Shepard insists that Saren was the one to shot you, and I don't know what to think about her claim. You and Saren were always so close… she is trying to get some irrefutable evidence about his betrayal and I pointed her to Garrus. Did I made a mistake in helping her?" I asked my silent husband weakly.

"Please, just wake up."

I was aware that my begging was for naught but I still did it once, sometimes twice a day without any shame. No one could hear my weakness behind a closed door.

I stayed with him for two more hours, reading aloud from the book about old space ship engines. It was one of the books I bought with the money he gave me when I was selling my body for a living. Nihlus liked to pretend that the three years of my life never existed and he did his best to make me forget about every single day I spent on Omega, but the years when I felt like worthless whore didn't disappear from my mind entirely.

"I love you, Nihlus. Please, just open your eyes for me."

 

* * *

 

 

After we married and I moved to his apartment, Nihlus insisted that I should make my next living something that would exist within the limits of the Citadel law. I just laughed at him — yes, the six months in the care of my adoptive father taught me enough to know that a Spectre couldn't have a husband with illegal employment, but even though I was adult by turian standards and my life was hard as fuck, I was not in the best mindset for choosing entertaining and officially legal work.

During that personal crisis of mine, Nihlus introduced me to Avitus Rix, a fellow turian Spectre, who was his good and trusty friend, and decided that he should teach me how to protect myself. They found my talent for biotic within the first two weeks of training and soon enough Nihlus procured for me the L3 biotic implants.

When the surgery scars healed, I've got intensive training every day from Nihlus's asari acquaintances and colleagues. He was so proud at me every single time my teachers praised me and my adoptive father called me each Friday evening to ask about my newest achievements. It was slow, painful and frustrating, but it was worth every tear and every ache that followed my lessons.

Finally, I decided to put my hard earned skills to use and enlisted with C-Sec when I hit eighteen, backed by no other than Sparatus (which surprised Nihlus only… slightly) and soon after that I joined Special Response division. Slowly I realized that between C-Sec colleagues, my adoptive father, Nihlus and his friends I found a new, unconditionally loving family and the disappointed and hateful faces of my biological father, mother and sister finally left.

My life was stable and uneventful until a few days ago when I was unexpectedly pulled out from work by my superior because of Nihlus's grave injury. Now I was babysitting a brand new human Spectre… partly because of my C-Sec duties to Citadel residents and partly because I honestly liked Jane.

She still looked around the Citadel in open wonder. It was refreshing.

I invited her for lunch at my favorite restaurant. She took Garrus and another human who was part of her squad with her as an additional company. I didn't mind. Garrus was my colleague and friend and the human… well. I wasn't the one to turn down an opportunity to meet new people.

"Cassander!" she called after me when she spotted me leaning against glass fence and enjoying the view. I took the liberty to wore my civilian clothes instead of my standard C-Sec uniform and equipment, which meant high-waisted tight black pants, green sneakers and grey hooded crop-top with Star Wars themes. I always liked to provoke and Nihlus was very fond of my freckled belly. At least something didn't change from my wild youth - I was still addicted to showing my skin whenever I had the chance.

I let my thick ginger hair loose for once and its ends reached my butt. I really should cut them, but I never had the time… and Nihlus loved my wavy locks, no matter how impractical they were.

Stupid, amazing turian.

I waved at her and with a smile went towards her. She was cheerful and happy and obviously enjoyed every minute on Citadel. It was no wonder Nihlus put her name forward, she was such a sweet, talented person.

"Hello, Jane. I heard you stole Garrus from us. Can I ask how you persuaded him to betray all the faith and dreams his father has for him? I hope it involves lots of hot and passionate sex, otherwise, Garrus, where are your standards?"

The human male almost choked and turned red. Sweet hell. How old he was, really?

"Oh, I just promised him lots of lawbreakings. It seems to work well on you C-Sec officers," Jane answered playfully and hugged me.

I returned the gesture, even though her armor wasn't comfortable to hold at all. "Really, Garrus. That is low even for you!" I grinned when we parted and Vakarian didn't spare a moment of hesitation before he punched me into my shoulder.

"Shut up, Kryik. Hows Nihlus?"

"He breaths without help now. Doctors are positive he is going to wake sometime during the next two days," I informed him proudly with a wide smile. "And you are?" I addressed the Alliance soldier who stood next to Jane.

"Kaidan Alenko," he introduced himself and we formally shook hands.

"Well, nice to meet you. Cassander Kryik. You were on the mission with my husband? I think I saw your name in the protocols."

He nodded. "Yes."

I could live with non-talkative Alliance officers. I fucked with Hanars, strict humans were easy-peasy in my books.

"Shall we go then? It is not far away," I grinned at Jane and walked towards the nearby area with green parks, lovely coffee shops, tall blossoming trees, and restaurants. It was a beautiful place with a peaceful atmosphere.

"How was your Council meeting? Was it hard to persuade Councilors to make you the first human Spectre?"

"I made them realize they have no other choice."

I giggled. My core hurt from morning stop in the gym, but I could not help myself. "Sparatus must have been so freaking glad. I would give anything to see his expression during the obligatory Spectre speech."

I could hear Garrus chuckle behind me. "He was pissed, but people watched so he kept his antimony to the minimum."

"Poor Sparatus," I could hear myself making another giggle that hurt my not especially good trained abs. I was runner more than anything else. Since I was depending on my fabulous biotics, I never really took to the heavy weighs exercises or anything similar and I loved my skinny androgyny myself too much to consider changing that (but I sometimes got the really smart idea to try it).

Wearing crop-tops with wide shoulders, six-pack, and all that masculine everything would be gross.

"Anyway, here we are!" I announced with a smile and entered the beautiful terrace that was full of comfortable chairs and spacious tables. I led them to my favorite spot which was under the blossoming tree and the table was full of small purple petals. "They have marvelous food and the best-mixed drinks I've ever had."

"You are not getting me drunk today," Garrus groaned when I mentioned the alcohol.

"Oh, yes, I am."

Jane laughed and took the chair closer to the fence. Kaidan occupied the place beside her and Garrus, fortunately, ended on my side of the table.

Perfect place for me to shake up his predatory feathers with enough drinks equipped with those sweet cocktail umbrellas on top to remember ridiculous stories about him to tell others later. Preferably to his wife, if he ever marries.

"So, what's it like to be married to a Spectre?" Kaidan asked just when I reached for the special summer drinks menu. Maybe I was wrong and he could form sentences just fine.

"Between his life-threatening missions, unexpected disappearances, enough calls from Councilors to satisfy at last ten human lifetimes, frequent hospital visits and lots of bullets piercing different parts of his body? Quite uneventful. Can't complain. Would recommend it anytime."

From the expression on Kaidan's face, he finally understood how stupid his question was when my husband was currently hospitalized with a severe condition of a fucking bullet cracking his skull just a few days ago.

The table was quiet for a while until the waitress interrupted our uncomfortable silence with her quite rational beverage inquiries. "Hello! What can I get for you?"

"Sparkling water for me, please," Jane ordered with a kind smile I fell in love with almost immediately. Kaidan ordered the same but with the addition of lemon slices and ice.

"Your fantastic XL latte with caramel syrup, Niedraya."

"As usual then, Cass. Garrus? What would you like?"

The pretty young asari gave him lovesick smile. Garrus had this effect on every waitress I introduced him to. Such a pity he was totally blind and useless when it came to women.

I would consider helping him out if his stupidity wouldn't be absolutely hilarious to watch.

"Dextro coffee. Black," he finally ordered. Niedraya gave us another bright smile.

"I will be back soon with your orders. There is our dining menu. Today's levo specialty is grilled salmon pieces in dill-cream sauce on a vegetable nest and homemade pasta."

"I will try it," I grinned. "It sounds delicious."

The rest took the dinner menus and began flipping through its pages, searching for some alluring food to try. Niedraya left us to it so the could handle our orders and I felt excited about that delicious latte. They made the best coffee on Citadel in my opinion.

"To return to your question, Mr. Alenko," I started because, honestly, I felt a little bit bad about how I handled that situation. Deep down I knew he didn't mean to hurt me with that question but was genuinely curious. The exciting stories about Spectres that Citadel Council fed the public were full of fantastic twists and turns, fearless heroes and rescues of those who could not defend themselves in the name of interstellar peace.

He immediately turned his head towards me.

"It truly is a standard marriage, nothing special. We have our fights like any other couple. Sometimes it's hard to be married to him since he is more away from doing his work than home with me, but we usually manage good enough. It simply requires lots of compromises and understanding."

He frowned. "Isn't that lonely?" he asked then. "Being so much apart?"

"Well, yeah. But we have our jobs and friends to keep us entertained. You'll get used to it, Mr. Alenko. So, you fancy marrying Spectre then?"

Kaidan turned red and coughed. Someone had a crush.

I simply grinned and decided to change the topic of the conversation. "What are your next plans, Jane? Are you going after Saren?"

She nodded. "Yes, the Council commissioned me to eliminate him with any means necessary. Ambassador Udina is preparing the necessities as we are speaking. Or so I hope. But I am waiting for the green light from Council since they want me to stay on Citadel until your husband wakes."

I snorted. "They plan to saddle Nihlus with babysitting you again."

"What?" she cried. "He is in the hospital with a head wound! They cannot expect him to be duty-ready that soon!"

"They can and they do. Nihlus is turian, he is tough," Garrus confirmed my suspicions to Jane. Alenko's expression was incredulous.

"Believe it or not, Nihlus had already recovered from worse injuries that headshot," I told her quietly. I wasn't a fan of discussing my mate's health and outcomes of his previous missions but Jane was a Spectre now. All those crazy things Council expected from my husband were going to be even exaggerated for the first human Spectre. I would not be surprised if they assumed she poops out element zero if ordered.

"Will you talk to Sparatus about this?" Garrus asked me then, just before Niedraya brought us our drinks.

With a charming smile she placed our orders on the table. "What can I get you for lunch?"

Alenko ordered the specialty as me, while Shepard chose turkey breast with cheese sauce. Garrus ended with a dextro variation on tartar steak. When Niedraya left, I took a deep breath. "I suppose I will have to, Garrus, but I doubt I can sway him."

"Maybe if you finally let him take you to dinner?"

I laughed. "It takes more than a dinner, Garr, but yeah, suggest it to him, I accept free food anytime."

Jane looked at us perplexedly. Her exquisite emerald pools protected by long, lush lashes jumped from my face to his, waiting for some explanation.

"Turian thing," Garrus offered after a while.

Kaidan frowned. "I thought the turian councilor hate humanity."

"He does," I confirmed. "As Garrus said, it's a turian thing. What I am more interested in are your implants, Mr. Alenko. L2 I was told. Are they as painful as I was led to believe?"

"I am one of those lucky ones. Only headaches for me."

"I've got the L3 type. I heard the L4 are in the making. Have you ever considered to try for the upgrade?"

"You are biotic as well?" Jane interrupted our conversation with a smile. She looked pleasantly surprised and it made her face looks so much younger and carefree. "That is great! We can train together then."

"I would love too. You can stop by the C-Sec Academy anytime and we can spar. Take Mr. Alenko with you, I'll introduce you to our best biotics."

"Deal!"

 

* * *

 

 

We spent the rest of the lunchtime talking about biotic and our favorite asari commandos whose work and abilities we admired. Kaidan was not as bad as the first impression suggested and I enjoyed my time talking with him about differences in our implants and our expectations for the next models that were currently in the making. Garrus was looking at Jane as if she hugged up the moons, stars and mass relays in between, Kaidan tried not to show how much he admired Spectres and everything they stood for (because every time he started on the "no laws applied" I reminded him that Spectre's companions still were bound by law no matter what and yes, I had my handcuffs close by) and Jane was full of laughter.

It was a great afternoon.

It took my mind out of everything that was currently happening.

In the evening I made some coffee, packed two or three books about earth animals Nihlus was fascinated with, prepared some snacks to keep me awake the whole night and went to the hospital.

Armchair in Nihlus's room was covered in a comfortable blanket and soon I created a pleasant spot for myself inside all that calming fluffiness and started to read aloud.

He was still sleeping, so calm and peaceful. Ignorant of recent developments.

Behind the glass of his windows, the Citadel was full of life, the never-sleeping city full of beings with dreams wishes and plans for their lives. Jane believed the Reapers were going to kill us all.

It wasn't hard to imagine Citadel burning. People bleeding on the streets, buildings crushing on each other. Beautiful trees burning to ashes. If that was the future that awaited us, I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to be still alive when they'll decide to come for us.

I imagined my adoptive father's face lying in the mud, his big lifeless eyes open to the nothingness. Nihlus broken body, chest crushed into pieces. Sparatus choking on his own blood. Garrus trying to protect all of us and ultimately failing.

Faces of all those I loved and cared about fleshed before my eyes, all twisted in unbearable agony.

How could anyone who loved and was loved honestly believe in the Reapers? It was hard enough to accept the possibility of the end even without all the suffering that she witnesses in her vision on Eden Prime.

"I can see your brooding face." Sparatus's disgusted voice interrupted me in my dreaming. I sighed and put down the book. I couldn't remember when I stopped reading it. "You look as if the world had come to an end. What's the matter?"

"I… I am thinking about Jane's vision," I admitted. "She seems to be so convinced that what she saw is the truth…"

"Mad woman sees what she sees, Kryik. That doesn't make it true."

I nodded like an exhausted little puppet. "I know," I whispered and looked towards Nihlus's beautiful face. "Why would he do that? Saren, I mean. If he did it… why?"

"I don't know."

"I wish that at least someone would have the answers. All I can find are questions."

Sparatus went towards me. His tall, intimidating body covered with rough plates always seemed to me as impenetrable fortress behind which anything could hide. He touched my arm and frowned. "You are cold," he murmured discontentedly and moved the edges of the blanket to cover my exposed skin. "You need to take better care of yourself."

"I need him to wake up," I whined. My forehead touched Sparatus's abdomen. He tensed… he was not used to me touching him at all. "Why doesn't he wakes up!"

His hands hesitantly touched my shoulders and squeezed them just enough to let me know he was there for me. No matter how much I hated his guts, I was grateful for that gesture.

It was kind of nice to know I was not the only one scared.

"Please…" I cried softly into his fine clothes. My wet tears made dark spots on his blue suit. "Make him wake up… please…"

"I can't. I am so sorry."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, It started as:  
> Me: Oh, C'mon, hey love. Check the prologue for me, please. What madness I just created...  
> Friend: It's GREAT. I love your Shepard! Is she going to play a big part in the story? I hope she does!  
> Me, thinking about how I wanted to jump in Andromeda right away: Y-yeeeeees?  
> Friend: Great! Cannot wait!
> 
> So, we will stay in this Reaper loved space for some time. Sorry... But I promise lots of fluffiness, love triangles, Garrus learning about what women in general have between their legs, and serious fun with Sparatus's cold hearted pretty ass.
> 
> Also - OMG thank you so much for your support! I am so excited and I hope you will all stay with us for the ride!


End file.
